So Who Am I Anyway? I really don't know...

I’m sitting here browsing through YouTube, seeking inspiration of what the fuck I should be doing with my life.

Is it that easy? That a YouTube video will tell me, step by step, how to figure out what it is that you want to do with your life? I don’t think so.

I used to have such a clear vision. In some ways, I am okay with not knowing and not having all my eggs in one basket anymore. But I would like some eggs in some baskets, you know what I mean?

But I find myself dabbling in EVERYTHING that I have a slight interest in.

Last month it was herbalism. So instead of dipping my proverbial toe in the pool of herbalism, I signed myself up for a Practical Herbalism course with a full on course load with exams and everything. I jumped into the deep end without really knowing what I was getting myself into. Instead of doing the work, I find myself procrastinating, waiting for the perfect conditions to study and complete the course.

In the summer I spent $$$ on an MLM product and decided that I was going to become a millionaire selling this ‘revolutionary’ product that supposedly would also help me lose the weight once and for all. Nope, I gained 40 lbs and probably annoyed the fuck out of my friends and family for months on end. I’m pretty sure I lose some family members on social media because I was being so incessantly annoying and cultish over this product and ‘amazing business opportunity’.

I even reconsidered joining up again because my ‘upline’ is living her best life all over social media and I so desperately just want to be thin and rich like her.

I even found ‘witchtok’ and decided I wanted to be a witch. I bought the books, the tarot deck, the crystals and incense before I really even knew anything about it all. And now those books are staring me down, unread, and mocking me.

Quarantine in 2020 has me dabbling in all the things, and I have no idea what I am doing.

I feel like a fraud, I’ve forgotten who I am, and I have no idea where I am going.

So I started this blog. Is it going to be just another false start? Or will I actually keep this up? Should I share it with my friends and family? Or should I keep it to myself? Do I care if people read it? Should I advertise it? I don’t know. How deep does this go?

I am lost. But I really don’t think I am alone in this.

This world that we live in right now, places a lot of value on how we look, where we live, what we do for a work, what things we have, and how we are perceived by others.

We’ve placed value on our social feeds over the reality of our lives and I truly believe a lot of us fall into this trap of wanting to stand out, while fitting in. It’s sad. It leaves us now knowing who WE are, we are so wrapped up in the lives of our influencers trying to be just like them and emulate their success so we can also live in the big fancy house and go on shopping sprees.

The people we follow on social media stand out because, usually, they know who they are. They are clear on what they stand for, what they value, and what they want in life. They ignore what others are doing and they show up and DO their own things.

We envy this because it is so much easier to watch someone kill it at life than it is to put in the effort ourselves. It’s easier to dream and imagine that someday that will be me too.

The thing is, it will never be you if you never decided to put in the work. It will never be you if you don’t stop watching. It will never be you if you never decide who it is YOU want to be and start behaving like that person.

So this blog is me, figuring it out. One day at a time, one post at a time, one decision at a time.

And honestly, if no one reads this. Oh well. In the end, if I don’t do this, it’s only me that will be disappointed. Honestly, I don’t want to do that anymore.

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